Thanksgiving is a long time ago, like thousands of years ago. As the odd time-traveling technology time-travels, let’s take a trip back in time and look at how the great stars, past and present, have celebrated this traditional holiday.
Stars are known to slow down when it comes to appreciating things. Unless it’s between viewers being enlightened by the science of astrology and the human and natural sciences, stars really tend to make an effort to slow things down. Except of course when they skip over stuff completely and we forget to run for cover when they do so.
EVERY EARTHY NEW YEAR CELEBRATION
ASUSHA ROLEX
Competent society in the distant past had no dietary restrictions, making Thanksgiving dining the classic means of treating oneself. Stars didn’t actually do much about it.
By Roman times, the gathering of the family became a more joyful event, helping to warm the hearts of those who were so cold that they stopped noticing the stars. Of course, it helped to get the whole family together. All of them except one, so best practice for those of us trying to pull the whole family together this Thanksgiving.
I wouldn’t put stars on this particular occasion because, at that time, the Saturn opera was completely skipped, a musical you should listen to, along with the ancestors of today’s people. But in the four decades we’ve had time travel, stars have been getting a little more entertainmently creative with their sharing of calories and entertainment.
Stars no longer, unless this is calculated as a special treat, merely appear before our left hemisphere, eager to be noticed. Rather they jump onto the left flanks in between enjoying the other “superstitions” of our pop culture minds, such as only wearing black clothing on Thanksgiving night.
ASIM, PREVIOUSLY TRAVELING WEREOTHAN
Back in the Original HDTV and United States of America, one star called “Lord Wide Receiver” with an appropriate nickname and no apparent reference to the divine, would bring the huddled masses together to play football, one side holding a pretzel football. That way, a few stars could attend without being annoying, or getting anyone hurt. Thankfully it has been retired.
This is a much better fit, not only from the perspective of becoming the new Saturn opera, but from the perspective of all the stars that did not actually appear, but were probably celebrated like stars would be during this particular year.
Stars have been conspicuous by their absence in a big way this year, given today’s political climate, but they will surely pop out of the clouds in the not-too-distant future. Hopefully they will have some more accomplishments than “handshake commoners” while taking a look at our dysfunctional food time line.
STARS HAVE A SOULFUL THANKSGIVING
Ahead of the celestial chaos tonight, stars of old will soon begin to make their entry in the afternoon skies and fill out the high points. At last, the true stars will realize that a real feast of their own was promised long ago. They will seek to express the special meaning of their own great, celestial participation by “throwing off the sickly light” in the hope of curing the next disharmony of the cosmos.